Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Tour Fever: Catch It Before It Catches You!

The Tour de France:


Raise your hand if you have Tour Fever!  (If you raised your hand you don't have Tour Fever, because the first symptom of Tour Fever is an inability to lift your extremities.  So stop trying to game the system.)  As the big day approaches the news headlines are coming fast and furious, and the latest one tells us that eternally petulant rider David Millar has been left off the Garmin-Sharp Tour team because he is sick and old:


"In years past we have approached the Tour with multiple leaders, and multiple goals," team CEO Jonathan Vaughters said. "This year, we approach it with one clear leader, Andrew Talansky, and our roster is designed to give him the best support possible. We are very sorry to leave David Millar home due to illness. His experience is unparallelled and his contributions to the sport and our team are undeniable. We wish things were different for David, but as we look ahead to the Tour, we believe we have selected a strong team and we are committed to helping Andrew build on last year's success."

This has made him very upset, because naturally the Tour de France should be his own personal rolling retirement tribute:
For the record, inasmuch as he's ridden the Tour 12 times without winning it, I'd say that Garmin-Sharp do believe in him--specifically, they believe in his inability to win the Tour, which he's demonstrated time and time again.

Oh, and he's getting rid of his bike:
Yes, when Dave gets angry the bike is the first thing to go:



Presumably he'll get something more suited to his new status as a retiree:


C'mon Davey Baby, you know you want it.

I don't understand why Millar is so upset.  Isn't he part-owner of the team?  Why does he even want to keep riding at this point?  Does Jeff Bezos still pack up orders in the warehouse?  It's like Millar is a part-owner of a Michelin-starred restaurant, yet he's upset that they won't let him help with the food prep because he has a cold and he kind of sucks at it anyway.  So what?  Have some dignity!  Put on a nice suit, hang out in the dining room and mingle!  Why do you want to put on those stupid stretchy clothes and ride with the busboys all day anyway?

Plus, Millar's got it way better than Jonathan Vaughters, who never finished a single Tour, even with unfettered access to EPO:


In 2001 a wasp ended his Tour de France, and in 2014 he's still enduring WASP stings in the form of David Millar's testy tweets:


(I realize he's technically Scottish, but he looks pretty WASPy to me.)

In other news, did you know that 94 percent of cyclists in Oregon stop at red lights?


Nearly 94 percent of people riding bikes in Portland, Beaverton, Corvallis and Eugene stopped for red lights, a forthcoming Portland State University-based study of 2,026 intersection crossing videos has found. Of those, almost all (89 percent of the total) followed the rules perfectly, while another 4 percent entered the intersection just before the light changed to green. Only 6 percent of riders were observed heading directly through the red light.

What a bunch of woosies.

Speaking of "woosies," do you know some people don't ride bikes because they don't find them comfortable?


Well, it's true--at least according to some design douches who have just launched a Kickstarter campaign.  But not to worry, because they've got the "problem" licked:

One day it occurred to us, office chairs have evolved over time to make the user more comfortable and therefore, more productive.  As we worked on our latest project, a light bulb went off....  Why hasn't this same concept been applied to bicycles?

Yeah, those "light bulbs" keep going off, don't they?  Someone needs to go to every design douche studio in every gentrifying city in the world, unscrew all the light bulbs, wrap them in dinner napkins, and stomp the fuck out of them like glasses at a Jewish wedding, because all this redesigning-the-bike crap has got to stop.  Just because you plant your ass on something all day doesn't mean you need to apply its design to bicycles.  I spend a lot of time on the toilet but that doesn't mean I need a bike that flushes.

But hey, they're doing it to make the world a better place!

We want to get everyone riding!  To that end, we focused our efforts on understanding why people do not regularly ride bicycles and we found that comfort is one of the main reasons that keep people from riding more often. 

Not everyone should be riding bikes, and if you can't get comfortable on one of the many, many, many types of bicycles already out there then you might be one of these people.  So what?  Walk.  Ride the subway.  Take the bus.  Lease a fucking Hyundai for all I care!  As long as you drive it responsibly and don't run me over I'm completely fine with it.

Instead, we get this:


Get a load of this crabon piece of crap:


Nice job.  It's a Serotta Size Cycle you actually ride.  Way to cut out the middle man, design douches.

And of course the most important question is the one everyone would have asked about this bike seven years ago is: "Can I make it into a fixie?"

Well, the answer is a resounding "Yes!"--though for some reason when they say "fixie" they show a time trial bike:


And then when they say "track bike" they show the bike David Millar should be riding now that he's been put out to pasture three weeks early:


Okay, I see what they're going for here--they're invented a bike that can change along with you.  Maybe they're on to something in that regard.  If they can also add technology that will convince design douches like the ones in the video to leave New York City and move back to wherever it is they came from then I'll gladly help back this:


(Why don't you guys skip the bike and design yourselves a haircut?)

Alas, instead they, instead they want to put "more bikes on the road:"


Though if that's the case I don't know why this guy is on the sidewalk.

106 comments:

samh said...

Tour Divide already has a winner. There's another tour?

Flyover Bike commuter said...

Podium

Colin Néber Wilson said...

Top tenner?

Anonymous said...

I've go the fever!

Colin Néber Wilson said...

Might as well sneak back in here for seconds

dancesonpedals said...

top ten happy canada day all you happy beavers

Anonymous said...

trackstand

Anonymous said...

WEED SCRANUS WEED TOP TEN

JLRB said...

Top 100!

Anonymous said...

Top 10?! Have all my wildest dreams come true?

mikeweb said...

I've never seen that particular picture of a young Andy Warhol before.

Flyover BC said...

BTW: the secret to winning a team time-trial is knee-length sweat socks.

ubercurmudgeon said...

David Millar is still doing penance for his doping past. And what better way to cap that off than by being photographed by the world's press wearing monstrously ugly POC helments for three weeks?

Anonymous said...

Stop it now David, your embarrassing yourself!!

dnk said...

That's actually a pretty sweet-looking commuter bike. The Rivendell, not the Universal.

McFly said...

I offered Bike Throw Davey a 70 hp Evinrude and a milk-goat for the Cervelo. THAT GOAT PRODUCES A LOT OF FUCKING MILK.

Regular guy said...

The main reason people find bikes uncomfortable is that they pull the old Huffy off the hooks in the garage, dust it off and "try" to ride it once a year. Then they complain it's uncomfortable.

Oh, and also they can't recline and put their feet up. And you get too far away from the 'fridge when you ride. And there's no air conditioning.

As for the David Millar thing, It reminds me of when there was a reorganization at an old job. My supervisor went from being in charge of 30 people as well as the warehouse space to being in charge of the warehouse and the two warehouse dudes.

Bama Phred said...

I was willing to trade for the Millar bike, but no dick breaks no deal

Canada said...

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy BIRTHDAY DEAR CANADA! Happy birthday to me...

sobs quietly... stands in corner...

leroy said...

My dog informs me that the real reason Mr. Millar was left off the team was because he wouldn't grow sideburns for Take Our Vaughters To Work Day.

He put it on the internet so you know it's true.

Bama Phred said...

It's always easy to tell who actually has to pay for their bikes by studying the reaction to frustration. The chuckers have their bikes and replacements given to them, the non chuckers have to pay for and do maintenance themselves.

engine_ring said...

beaver town yeah!!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Peloton Pee Wee

Comment deleted said...

There, there, Canada. It isn't that nobody cares, we've just been so busy with the kids and the job and the car...

Remember that time you kicked our ass up around Niagara Falls? (Oh, and your side of the Falls is *so* much nicer.)

There's a good country. Here, blow your nose.

Signed,

your scranus

Anonymous said...

I looked before lunch . . . Now where did that get me??

American flag on the bike is still there.

vsk

Anonymous said...

I looked before lunch . . . Now where did that get me??

American flag on the bike is still there.

vsk

saint_david_spanner said...

Saint David Millar is so full of himself he is/was making a movie about himself.

Of course Saint David won't talk about his terrible performances at British Nats.

Maybe it was bad luck and an illness after all, but it seems like a call to the UCI for some drugs is all the needed and he couldn't be bothered.

Garmin will be in trouble if Saint David gets a job at the UCI.

Anonymous said...

WCRM - The line about not needing a flushing bike was about as funny as it gets. Thanks for the laugh.

Spokey said...

I was in Portland, Beaverton, Corvallis, and Eugene when I was young and foolish back in '03.

Stopped at all the red lights so I'm part of the 94%. I did so wish to be part of the 99%. Maybe next tour



robot claims to be part of the 242%. Robot is such an ass sometimes.

trama said...

"crabon piece of crap"

WCRM getting old and soft? A solid case could be made involving the death penalty for the designer douches. For serious.


CRAP CRAP



trama said...

Of course, the death penalty case would involve nothing more than existing within ISIS controlled areas of the middle east.

Slow Joe Crow said...

So these universal bike guys are just making an ugly expensive crabon fibre version of the Bike Friday OSATA https://www.bikefriday.com/bicycles/osata?
Granted the BF site still says "coming soon" but at least Bike Friday has made thousands of actual bikes bought by real people so they probably will be selling these things soon unlike Kickstarter vaporware.

gE said...

Happy birthday to America's party hat - woot!

If you try something new and it hurts or you're sore afterward, just give up. Go sit down and pick up the remote. Problem solved.

If it rains, take the bus.

DB said...

Early COD leader, Leroy @ 1:42.

Roille Figners said...

I'd buy a plastic death-chariot from Dave with confidence -- you know it's never been tossed off a bridge, by the fact that it's still in fewer than 1,000,000 pieces.

James said...

The universal bike guys have been ignoring the obvious. You can't make an upright bike comfortable. For lob's sake, the ultimate in comfort - get a recumbent.

Roille Figners said...

"Hey fellas, there already IS an office chair on wheels!" Another Kickstarter crew in recumbent-denial!

Roille Figners said...

Hey quit reading my mind James!

Anonymous said...

Dude, Scottish people are WASPs too!

FactBot9000 said...

"Dude, Scottish people are WASPs too!"

True Scots are Gaelic not Anglo Saxon.

Dooth said...

Pee Wee would never throw his bike in the deetch!

Anonymous said...

we're under severe threat for the first hurricane of the season and you're fucking with a Sam Hilborne?

crosspalms said...

The guy in the last picture is riding their sidewalk-specific bike, designed for people who are bike-curious, afraid of the street, but not afraid of breaking the law.

Anonymous said...

GE say: "...If you try something new and it hurts or you're sore afterward, just give up. ... "

now what am I going to do with half a tube of Astro-lube?

Roille Figners said...

Q: Why do Oregonians stop at red lights?

a) Oregon's unhurried, laid-back way of life
b) They're obedient woosies.
c) We've got plenty of time to wait because we ain't got no JOBS!
d) Trying not to get run over by all the stoned-outta-their-mind newcomers who still have their cars and run red lights at 10 mph LIKE THAT MAKES IT OKAY
e) All of the above

Evil Genius said...

Why do people always fixate on improving the bicycle? I recently had an eureka moment and thought that I should redesigned the chopstick, improving it's load capacity by flattening the ends, it's ability to accommodate fluids by hollowing out the shafts and to increase performance and ease of use with the addition of a hinge along with upgrading to carbon fiber as the construction material.

Spokey said...

roille

but none of those crashes were oreo-gon. And all but 1 were eastern.

Seems like it would be prudent to stay out of God's waiting room. Particularly Miami.

garth said...

The bar-end shifters on the Hillburn give me a warm fuzzy feeling, like when we used to climb the rope in gym.

alpaca lips said...

I was just out ridin' my bike and saw an athletic-looking young couple on a recumbent tandem trike ripping it into the wind on the flat ... I don't know how they looked on the 10% upgrade a ways farther up the road, though.

That think looked about as long as an 8-man racing shell. Must be an helluva job to transport it.

Bama Phred said...

A Hillborne or Hilson would fit quite nicely under my scranus

RoadQueen said...

I want a recumbent trike for my vulvanular comfort, and I'm not even old.

crosspalms said...

[raps knuckle on comment box] Is this thing on?

DB,
I did ride yesterday, but the storm thoughtfully waited till an hour after I got home before peeing in my basement.

Roille Figners said...

RE Millar photo: "Weren't you in Simple Minds?"

claimed orgule said...

so... they looked at a study that showed that most people are uncomfortable riding their bikes in traffic and figured that it must be the bike that's uncomfortable...

JLRB said...

Millar is getting the boot because he keeps showing up for training rides on that tricycle thing in his twitterererer account.

DB said...

Crosspalms:
Glad to hear you made it home without doing a Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.
We lost a tree, excuse to have a few beers and fire up the chain saw.

McFly said...

I just fires up the Stihl and took out some stupid bushes/big ass weeds. I let Jr. do some cuttin as well. He is 13 so it was time. He messed up BIG TIME by mastering the weed eater earlier in the year. Awwwww yissssssss......

Anonymous said...

Oh the adjustable bike. Seeing what people do when they're left alone with their saddles and brake lever angles I can hardly wait to see how creative they can get with the geometry of a bike. Make the head angle adjustable to the extremes (with an adjustable stem) and give me some popcorn.

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BamaPhred said...

It's a slow day. Stihl MS290 or MS391? I have an old Homelite XL.

McFly said...

I have a lil 017 Rollomtic mini with a 16" bar. My gramps gave it to me before he passed so its kind of speshul. Still got the receipt. $179.99, things have gone up.

McFly said...

We had a Homelite XL when I was a kid. Great saw but I was not allowed to use it. "Drag brush and rick wood boy."

BamaPhred said...

Rollomatics were great saws. The XL I have now isn't like the XL of old.

Roille Figners said...

Topical to the bieks: You guys ever use bar oil on bike chains?

BamaPhred said...

Yes, one time. Another great idea that was a miserable failure. Thick, heavy, picked up all the dirt it could find, and threw oil all over my leg and bike. Same thing with ATF, which should have been a killer app.

I miss talking about scranus and Katie.

Roille Figners said...

You ever use bar oil on your scranus and/or on Katie?

McFly said...

Thick, heavy and picked up all the dirt it could find......are you talkin' about my cousin Crystal?

DB said...

Stihl 251. Comes with cup holders.

Otherwise Occupied said...

So the Universal Frame bicycle will adjust to 99% of the population, so I guess the 1% will just have to stick to their Lear jets.

babble on said...

Are you guys Stihl talking about chainsaws?! Why not raise the bar a little? This is a bike blog. Dontcha wanna make the cut?

Anonymous said...

<===8 STUFF? 8===>~ ~~ ~~~~

Their bike concept is not a bad idea. How practical it is depends on how much they have to compromise cost and weight to make it adjustable.

I think you are unfairly lumping them in with all the clearly douchey design firm publicity bikes.

Having a bike that I could adjust for different riding conditions on the fly would actually be pretty useful.

ce said...

You've got to love little chainsaws. I had the choice of a Husqvarna 338xpt, 359xp, 372xp or 385xp for trail clearing work yesterday and I took the little 338 top handled arborist saw with 16 inch bar and my 372 with 20 inch bar. I used the arborist saw for the bulk of the work and only swapped out for the 372 when I found myself cutting a rock in half and then didn't want to stop to sharpen the chain. They can pack a lot of power into the little guys. My chainsaw that I own is a Stihl 201T, top handled arborist saw, I got it because it packs nicely into the tiny luggage area of my tiny Suzuki 4x4. Just like a 1:2 scale model redneck.

BamaPhred said...

I prefer a self oiler, if not, rubbing some astro glide on the little bar seems to do the job.


Anonymous said...

Did somebody say chainsaw?

Anonymous said...

Proper footwear is obviously not important to some people. I would still let her oil my bar if her bush needed some work.

ce said...

What's with all the blood? Do they realise the primary purpose of the chainsaw is cutting timber?

No. 5 and No. 8 need to stop and adjust their chain tension before any more murdering.

McFly said...

No. 1 is causing most of the load-bearing tension.

RoadQueen said...

Only 77, now 78 comments??

WTF, This peloton is the slowest....am I sprinting all by myself? Is everyone else hung over?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sorry I late to the chain saw discussion here on ChainSawSnobNYC.

A couple years back I got a small electric powered chainsaw. With a 100 ft cord I can reach everywhere on my property. So nice to not piss around with gas and two stroke oil. I don't miss the gas saw at all.

DB said...

Okay. Here we go. Let's run this up to 100 before Snob gets here.

MTBSNOB said...

Sooooooooooooo you can make a 100 ft MTB trail? Rad, bro.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey good idea MTBsnob bro! I'll make a 100 ft mtb loop and have a mtb style criterium. It'll be cool as that mini-velodrome thing I saw on this blog.

Comment #82

DB said...

Why is my NYT full of Canada news today?
Comment 83.

dancesonpedals said...

scranus

dancesonpedals said...

crabon

dancesonpedals said...

americas furry hat

danceson pedals said...

david byrn

dancesonpedals said...

robs fords

dancesonpedals said...

gravel bike

murray the chamferer said...

thanks for all the hipster pussy

dancesonpedals said...

did i say david byrnne?

dancesonpedals said...

specialized

dancesonpedals said...

mountainbikesnobnyc

dancesonpedals said...

great hipster silk road

dancesonpedals said...

knuckle tats

dancesonpedals said...

fyxomatosis

dancesonpedals said...

fixies

dancesonpedals said...

portland

dancesonpedals said...

lobs country

dancesonpedals said...

100...1 km breakaway

JB said...

Hondo

dancesonpedals said...

did i forget dick breaks?

Urago said...

This is a NYC bike blog...chainsaws?!

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JB said...

skeered?

RoadQueen said...

Son of a.....guess I opened my big fat mouth too soon. Coming in at 106.